Psalm 102 B+

Something I wrote at Naked. Read it today, thought i’d share.

You strip me to my element

You wind me to the earth, use fire’s refinement

You sift through my life

Find stones, weeds, diamonds arough

You sift again

until the strings of syntax and diction course through

the latice of fragments that compose me

His truths unveil the words that remain

painted faces fill these places

I find myself crying a lot these days — something that seems like part of my past but is now becoming my present, I hope not the future.

Stirring of the heart

Just a snippet of my Panama application testimony.

I just wanted to share what has been on my heart lately and felt that what I wrote for my testimony really did say 80% of how I have been feeling. The 20% is miscellaneous nonsense.

One of the things that was urgently pressing upon my heart this year were nations across the globe and the thick oppression many undergo each day living in poverty, governmental dicatorship and inaccessability of the gospel. What burdened me to pray about missions this year was not which country I would visit but rather that God was specifically share His heart for all of His people across the globe with me. I felt that He was asking me to be urgent in prayer with him. I found that my prayers which were once selfish began to transform into selfless prayers and each time my knees hit the floor, the Holy Spirit would help me pray for things that had never crossed my mind. I was beginning to see His people the way He saw them, and I was beginning to love them from a fountain that I had never known existed in my heart. It was the first time in my life where I felt it necessary to begin to pray for other nations.

While I was praying for the countries of Myanmar, Panama, South Korea, North Korea, China, India and developed nations such as Japan and the U.S., I suddenly felt a deep sorrow that lingered with me throughout the day. I imagined what it would be like to live in poverty yet maintain a steadfast faith like apostle Paul. I imagined what my life would be like if I had never heard the gospel and I was reminded that thousands upon thousands die everyday without ever knowing the one who died for them. I was reminded every second of the day of my abundance living in the United States, in California, in Davis and in the comforts of my home with an education, a job and with a family. I was reminded of how easily I forget of the apparent blessings I am literally clothed in and the ignorance I continue to live in despite the many convictions that remind me of my abundant life. What is it that I have done to deserve this kind of life? It wasn’t fair. But as I began to pray with this heart that burdened for the injustice, God whispered Isaiah 41 to me. Verse 17 which says “The poor and needy search for water, but there is none; their tongues are parched with thirst. But I the LORD will answer them; I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them” began to burn in my heart and I knew that there was nothing that I could do with my strength but that if I was obedient, that God could use me for His greater glory and the expansion of His kingdom.

But I believe that now God wants to extend my missionaries’ heart, globally. I know that God is eager to teach me how to be a missionary overseas and though I have been reluctant to go on any short-term mission trip for the past 5 years, I know now that this stirring of the heart and urgency of prayer isn’t simply an emotional tug but a deep calling that I need to respond to. It wasn’t until recently that God has given me much peace about Panama. In the weeks that I have been praying for the Panamanian people, God has given me a gaping love for them. I am excited to see souls being won for Christ and I can’t wait to see the prayers that people have been pouring in being dug out of the well there. Jesus has been urging me to pray for His people and intercede on behalf of the Panamanians and by faith I know that great things will happen there. I am excited to be a part of this great movement of evangelism and planting of churches that we have read so much about in Acts thus far in Bible study and I pray that I can see that with my own two eyes this summer.

Let’s pray

What does it really mean to take up the cross and follow Christ?

Foolishly, we allow ourselves to be consumed by materialistic possessions and walk around sulking in the disappointments met from high expectations that we had for others. Is that the hardest thing in our lives? Can we say then that we create our own problems that need not exist in the first place?

How about the basic needs that we all take for granted? Food, water, shelter, health. These are all things that we as Americans, Christians even, don’t acknowledge as things of abundance in our life. I really wonder what it would be like to live in poverty, to live completely and utterly in rags (not by choice but by birth). Where is our desperation? Where is our generation’s urgency? It is unfair that Christ has made abundant these things in our life but in that sense, what are we doing now in gratitude?

It’s just not fair.

It’s not fair that children die everyday out of malnutrition It’s unfair that mothers and fathers can’t provide for their families because of the government’s strict laws. Some children are abandoned not by choice at an early age because their parents die. It’s not fair that some girls as little as 10 sell their bodies for the hope of a better life.

What then? How do we take up the cross here in the most abundant, blessed and wealthiest nation when the most persecution that Christians face here are from their friends? I want to be stoned and beaten for my faith because I know that is how much my salvation is worth.

So then, can we complain about the difficulty of our lives? What difficulty? And even so, who are we to deserve this kind of life?

I thought we lost our life the day we accepted Christ as our Lord and Savior. I thought it was then that we were suppose to become disciples—picking up everything and following him. Yet, we live so comfortably and complain about the smallest discomforts that are irrelevant to the bigger scheme of things. How can we be used when we have a selfish mindset? Are we doing everything for the Kingdom? Or for ourselves? It is clear because your lives are a direct reflection of your heart and what is in it.

Yes, not everyone is meant to go out to all the nations and preach the word but we are all meant to be disciples and to make disciples of all nations. The great commission was a command. I think by the small acts of faith of gathering together to pray are steps that we as Christians can take to further expand the Kingdom. That is all that we can do for now. And I believe that through the faithfulness of prayer, that the overflow of the heart will transform the lives of our co-workers, peers, and those on campus. Ultimately as students, the campus is our mission field. I understand why I am here, I understand why I am wasting my four years in college, I understand that it isn’t just about me. This education is not for my own betterment, but rather for His glory and His glory alone.

So can we all get together and pray in urgency? And if we don’t have an urgent heart, we must pray for one. The Kingdom is near and we must spread the word like wildfire.

leaven bread

Our God is the living God.

Bringing back Barnabas

I was at Old Tea House with a couple of my co-workers today.

I remember in sixth grade, I was studying with my three best friends (all of whom were white, and had different religious backgrounds, one didn’t even believe in God). We were studying for a test. The test wasn’t what was significant, nor was the fact that I had three best friends. But there we were, sitting in a circle, holding hands, and praying. We were in class and each took turns to lift up a prayer to God. It was awkward. But I remember feeling like God was breathing through my nostrils, and for a split second, God and I were one flesh.

God was reminding me of this particular day — it was probably a Tuesday and the sky was probably overcast. I was most likely wearing my favorite puppy shirt (it was a screen printed shirt with four puppies on the front). But there is relevance to this story I swear…just be patient with me for a few more paragraphs. (Back to present day) So as my friend was driving me back home from Old Tea House today, I was reflecting on this moment that happened eight years ago.

As I sat there, I found myself feeling very nostalgic. Except, I wasn’t with my three best friends, we weren’t praying, and we weren’t talking about God. Just church. But the familiar air flushed back as I shared with them how excited I am to go to ministry on Fridays and church on Sunday’s. Me? The outcast? Yeah. You can say that. You can say that I am excited to learn about the word with my brothers and sisters, to worship with them, fellowship with the body. You can also say that my heart for those who don’t believe has always been there, too. It just needs some stirring now and then. (Barnabas is back!!!!!!!!!)

I know being in sixth grade may sound like I didn’t know much about Christ or the cost that it took to follow Him, but I did know that I was eager, hungry, and urgent in bringing people to Christ. Where did litto Karen go? I can definitely say that when my two co-workers told me they would come to MSM with me, litto Karen was jumping up and down praising the Lord. I pray for them. I pray that they may come to know Christ the way I do and hope to. I hope as brothers and sisters, you will pray with me because shouldn’t we all be full of the Holy Spirit and faith? Barnabas was. And that made him a good man.

I haven’t posted in a while and that’s probably because of the disconnect I’ve been having with my spirit. I was going to post my awesome testimony the other day about how I really allowed the Joy of the Lord to be my strength and how I was able to be joyful in all things, but now I feel like that was way too long ago and I don’t feel the same way anymore. Man, emotions can be a B. I always find myself moving forward but then when I fall into temptation, I take three leaps backwards. I hate backslide but hey the reality of it all is that it happens.

Yesterday was a completely fail. I had one of those days where you don’t want to do anything because you just feel defeated… Those feelings kind of carried over to today and I’m kind of overflowing with sadness. I’m really sad actually but what can I do about it but try to look ahead. It’s really hard right now and trekking each day seems harder but I know I just have to overcome these feelings of disappointment and discouragement and really make room in my heart for joy, peace and love.

I’m trying (kind of).

This is how I want to feel. I want to feel victorious!

Thanks for listening,

K

In your freedom I will live

I search for You God of strength
I bow to You in my brokenness
And no other King could have so humbly come
To save my soul and heal my heart
I have nothing more than all You offer me
There is nothing else that’s of worth to me
And I love You Lord
You rescued me
You are all that I want
You’re all that I need
I pray to You God of peace
I rest in You my cares released
I have nothing more than all You offer me
There is nothing else that’s of worth to me
And I love You Lord
You rescued me
You are all that I want
You’re all that I need
In Your freedom I will live
In Your freedom I will live
I offer devotion, I offer devotion

It’s so close, you know? Did you know that if we wanted to, we could just reach and it could be ours? Damn. It is so hard to be God-centered when we’re busy or when life becomes centered around ourselves. I catch myself becoming angrier, more impatient and fleshly once I step out of the core of His heart and into my own filth. Especially when the enemy comes to me disguised as a sheep, how am I suppose to know that I will get bitten — no, torn into pieces is more like it.

I’ve realized how much you have to strive to be in the center. You need to make a conscious effort every moment of every day to be more like Him. CRAZY! But I’m not afraid to admit that I fall so far from the center every day. I am not perfect, though I strive to be (in the worldly sense), I don’t pull enough on the reins of my emotions, I let the enemy sit on the throne of my heart all day (that lazy beast) and I even forget to love God. I guess that is what needing is. I absolutely need guidance, love and grace over my life. A necessity is a live-with not a life-without.

The sad part is, I offer myself up to Christ every day sometimes out of frustration… but what kind of offering is that? God loves the aroma of pure offerings! My heart should be more pure. I need to be more pure. My name, Karen, means pure. It is ironic because my life is a living testimony of how I am not the name I have been given.

I guess this is where I am at: I’m trekking up the hill and though I was pumped up and motivated at the start of this journey, I’m starting to feel lethargic, defeated and overwhelmed that there is still a long ways to go. My muscles are beginning to sore and my sweat beads flush down thicker as my pants get heavier. This is only the start of all the pain. I can’t stop now. Not again, not this time.

Pure

Red or blue pill?

Well what now?

Since I came back from the Sozo healing conference, I have had so many questions.What am I suppose to do with these tools? How am I suppose to use them. Better yet, when am I suppose to? I was so sure that after I came back, that I would come back healed and completely restored, freed even. But, I come back even more confused but at the same time so much more in love with God. I think this may be a good confused. I have yet to figure out why.

Over the past few weeks I’ve undergone a transformation from the inside that I can’t quite describe. I desire deeper things, I want different things, I want to go more into His word and I find myself even more hungry than I was before. Have I been this deprived all this time? I’m so frustrated because I want breakthrough. I want so desperately to go into the next level in my intimacy with Christ. I want to for the first time, walk with Him. I want to hold His hand and I want Him to tell me things. I want Him to whisper secrets into my ear and steal kisses when no one is looking. I want to be held, tightly and I want to be able to find joy in that so there will be no room in my heart for anger, irritation, bitterness, impatience, greed, jealousy etc etc etc. I want to be full of Him. But why can’t I break through?

I know that God had planned for me to go away from Davis for three days so that I could think (especially without the confines of the bubble). And in that time outside, reality kicked in and it hurts, so much. So much so that I kind of want to be ignorant again. You know in Matrix when that Judas-traitor-dude is eating the steak with Mr. Anderson (is it?) and he says something along the lines of  “even though I know this steak isn’t real, I don’t care.” BASICALLY, that ignorant is bliss — though we all know by now that it isn’t. Well, that is where I am. Choosing between the red and blue pill. Well, you can already tell that I’m not a huge Matrix-movie fan because I’m not quite sure which pill is which but I choose the one where I delve into the reality.

I am prepared. Jesus, separate me and sanctify me. Help me find freedom and breakthrough.

The sun also rises

As I am laying in bed, browsing Facebook and chatting online, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m so damn lazy. I think for the first time in my life, God has really brought so much clarity and understanding to my sight which is making me feel uncomfortable. When Adam and Eve first sinned, they were aware that they were naked. Likewise, I am here, looking at my body, my life and can’t help but feel cold, naked and ashamed. I find myself here very often but think nothing of it. But because of the temporary glasses God has given me in this season until my fresh new pair of eyes arrive, I am realizing that every moment of the day, and everything that I do becomes more real to me then what my life has been all of these years.

But it extends beyond just being aware. God calls us to be doers. As of right now, I’m not doing anything. Every second and every minute of my day needs to glorify God and what am I doing right now? Nothing. I can admit that already I am discouraged by the overwhelming weight of the week but I do know that there is hope — that if I abide in him (which is a struggle) He will remain in me. Our God is an awesome God and what I need to do now is acknowledge and praise Him for it. God is real to me again which means that it requires me to be real to Him. These small and minute feelings and convictions may seem absolutely unnecessary to confess on a blog but I find that every time I confess these things, the more and more I draw nearer to Gods heart. I want to be honest with Him and I want every thought of mine to be voiced so that the enemy has no stronghold over my flesh. I guess then, I should get up now. I should start facing things, and I should fight the good fight.